Personal stories

He kōrero whaiaro

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but i guess going through the
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non-selection process
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you just got to understand
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why you started playing in the first
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place you got to look at your goals
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and understand your why a lot we always
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talk about what's your why
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and i guess in those tough times that's
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something you can reflect on
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um to give you motivation or give you
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drive
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because everyone's going to go through
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the ups and downs of rugby but
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it's the boys who are while they're in
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the downs they can still be an awesome
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team mate
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still work hard still do their part and
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contribute those are the boys that are
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going to do
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well once they're back up on the ups um
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but yeah you know like everyone's going
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to get injured everyone's going to get
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not selected everyone's going to have a
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conversation with someone during
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the day
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and go home and feel a little deflated
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um
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but yeah if you have someone to talk to
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once you go home
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your wife partner girlfriend
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boyfriend if you have a boyfriend um
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or you just you can just sit and reflect
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on
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on why you started playing rugby for me
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that's a big one is
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no matter what's going wrong i always
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look at my goals
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what do i want to achieve
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and how this little setback doesn't have
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to affect the overall outcome
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just slows me down a little

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my biggest fear is going back to a place
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where I was three years ago
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and I was depressed it's a scariest
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place I've ever been
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it
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it scares me so much that I do
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everything I can to make sure I'm
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healthy
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it scares me enough that I don't ever
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want to do the things that led me there
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but at the same time it was so much of a
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positive learning experience and it's
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really hard to put depression positivity
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in the same sentence but without that I
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wouldn't be the person I am today
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so it scares the absolute [ __ ] out of me
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but at the same time I acknowledge it
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and I'm thankful that I came out of it
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and that it was there to show me how
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good I can be now
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there are definitely days when my body
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the physical part of it no matter like
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how tough it is
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how many tackles are Michael like
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whatever you know as a real players its
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physical and manly there are definitely
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days when there doesn't mean a thing
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because inside I'm like I'm broken name
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nothing really recent but there have
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been times when I go out and play footy
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and smash it you know but I'll get home
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and just empty or something's going on
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and I'm just you know I'm betting away
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behind the scenes but that's what it is
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nowadays half of the time as a man
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that's just putting up a front we're
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masters of the mask
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I think after high school three years or
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something there was like a phase where I
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just developed like say anxiety I guess
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such a blanket term that people use
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anxiety but I was just feeling like
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literally fear emotionally but also
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physically like and in the form of
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tension and fatigue like I was hiding
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from some threat or something I was just
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in a state of fear without cause
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sometimes just waking up and just
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feeling tight and afraid like and no no
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hope and but at the same time being like
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what the [ __ ] there's nothing
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my life's good like isn't it literally
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nothing to be afraid of or worried about
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yeah look I think that for me I wasn't
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any anxiety based depressant so I was
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having anxiety attacks often and
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ignoring them and while they're two
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different illnesses
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I'm not quite related so people can have
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anxiety all their lives and not fall
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into a depression but there's a higher
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likelihood that you will and say I was
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an anxiety based person who fell into a
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depression I didn't tell anyone I kept
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it all to myself I remember when I was
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going through my anxiety in my dark
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pitch that I used to come to training
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and there'll be boys with I guess
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visible injuries they'd have a broken
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arm or brokenly
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and that always be asked you know a UK
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bro when are you gonna be back buddy Bob
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LA and I used to sometimes just stand
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there think I wish they knew how I found
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inside and I wish they could ask like a
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you okay bro or like how are you but I
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was obviously I wasn't too embarrassed
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to tell them what I was going through my
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life had gotten so bad that I didn't
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know how to deal with me and I
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definitely was calling to try and find
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some sort of connection with everyone I
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could but it hadn't have been for my mum
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or my mate
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Darren all my Damon I wouldn't probably
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wouldn't be and it wasn't out of being
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selfish because I know a lot of you like
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it's a most selfish thing to do it like
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it was that was so hard
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it wasn't about anybody else's I just
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don't want to feel pain anymore
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the importance that I put on like mental
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health and my own mental well-being is
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yeah there has to be number one because
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a fair doesn't uncheck then then you I
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struggle and I don't well not that I
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thought that I struggle like I just
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don't know how to cope and I can't I
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don't know how to get myself out of it
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if things are going bad and that's where
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I think that's right
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so I've realized that you know it's all
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good to struggle when you know it means
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what like you have your ups and downs
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and you know I'm no different I have
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great things I've days and they suck and
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things that go to plan and I think that
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something's wrong and it's all good to
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think that but it's how how I'll get
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myself how I persist there I'll get
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myself out of it and yeah how I keep I
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guess moving forward and and getting on
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with things
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mmm you know you've got to know the
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signs you've got to understand where you
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are emotionally so that you can take
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control of that and you know if you're
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starting to to feel those stresses and
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my mind comes back when you know when on
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I have my doubts come back so I know
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when I'm starting to get stressed
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because some of my doubts that I've
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already dealt with so those famous mind
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traps will come back so I know when they
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start coming back I need to look after
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myself a bit I think a big stress for me
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is like my future because in a way I've
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got a idea in my head of how I think my
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life would pan out or could pan out say
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if it doesn't or sometimes you don't
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think it and then it begins dressing you
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up
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the biggest contributors to my series
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would be being way too preoccupied and
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and having more things part on top and
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then feeling like I can't get any of
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these things done which leads to my
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guilt which then leads to me feeling
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really shitty about it so and it's
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infuriating yeah I get frustrated as
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well when I'm feeling down but I just
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don't know what's why I'm feeling down
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or trying to figure out like why I'm
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feeling like this that's the most
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frustrating thing and especially when
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people were trying to help me in I wash
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trying to help me but I'd just him like
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I just yeah it's frustrating yeah I mean
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there's a few things I sort of try and
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manage you know the anger and
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frustration first of it's like just
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acknowledging it so you know like if I'm
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starting to sort of high pop or or get a
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bit frustrated or angry it's like you
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know what first of all like what's
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happening like why why is why you
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starting to get a bit angry and just
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having that awareness of what's causing
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it then if I can try and like you know
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settle it then in there I'll try and do
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that if it's sort of something that's
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bubbling up you know I might talk to my
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wife about it and sort of just see what
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she thinks about it and try and break it
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down so there's definitely a couple
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things that I sort of used to help to
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try and you know manage manage those
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feelings I think I've got a lot of
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different ways to release emotions like
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you can you can go for a beer with mates
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you can go to golf or you can go take
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yourself away you can go watch your
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movie by yourself and being I think all
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of those things releasing certain
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emotions and and I don't know I don't
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think there's one right way or one wrong
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way sort of thing I think
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I think there's so many yes so many
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different one there's so many different
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emotions we feel but then there's so
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many different emotions that we can sort
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of or so many different pathways we can
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sort of release those emotions or get in
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touch with them or then sort of find
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ways how to deal with them because
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obviously yeah the more stress and
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frustration and anxiety and stuff we put
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on ourselves the more it builds up over
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time and I think maybe like sometimes
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you do it without even realizing you're
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you're doing it as well like I've
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definitely felt myself if you're feeling
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a bit anxious about things I do yeah
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about say team selection or anything
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like then and if you can feel them if
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it's already coming over you sort of
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take yourself away and watch a movie or
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something and maybe you don't quite
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consciously be like oh I'm gonna take
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myself away and sort of have some
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downtime but you you sort of end up
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doing it anyway and I think it's
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important maybe you develop it over to
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home not too sure I don't know if I
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realized what I needed to do but I
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slowly shifted my way so that I was like
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stepping into life and I just started
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with small things changing my ways of
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thinking and changing the way I was
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eating and drinking water and making
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sure I was sleeping is like the basic
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[ __ ] you know like just looking out for
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the basics yeah like um as soon as I I
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told someone like help me get better and
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they helped me to get better and the
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more people I told the sort of that
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pretty much the better I got um I went
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and saw a specialist and everything like
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that and he gave me medication which
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helped me but definitely opening up has
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helped me a lot a lot through it like
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you know it's been a long process like
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him you know I went through you probably
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you know six months of it but it took a
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good year
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to really you know get over it to where
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I am now like I still experience things
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at times but yet like if I could say
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anything to anyone that may be going
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through it out there like as soon as I
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told someone you know and they they talk
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to me about it and got me help like
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there was it was a style of me getting
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better um what I've gained when I do
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sheer to different people was I get a
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lot of one I did most of the time the
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people are going through exactly the
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same thing as you or have experienced
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that and and it's like that in itself is
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beautiful because I thought your whole
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life or your childhood you think that
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you're only yourself is going through
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these kind of things and you and it's
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kind of betrayal out there and when you
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finally do honestly like just through
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experience when you do like you're so
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vulnerable and and then you hear someone
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just go man I've going through the same
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thing and then you hear someone going
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like it's okay we we got we will go for
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it together like just hearing like
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different perspectives and different
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like encouragement from those specific
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people was like honestly is like the
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best feeling in the world him in just
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from there like he just bond stronger
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relationships these guys in my life
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right now
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they're I would never last year have
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have thought I'd be close with and just
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through opening up and like connecting
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off their men talking about our feelings
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and what we're going through like our
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journeys like we've just connected like
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so strongly and it's yeah always used
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beautiful because it is yeah and just
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hearing different perspectives and
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hearing having a lot of people in and
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the encouragement sand here and saying
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that they're going through that same
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thing it's kind of like it's really nice
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as a man to hear that and know that
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you're not going through things or
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through an experience alone yeah
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