Five stages of relationships

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[Music]
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so did you know that the goal of
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relationship is not actually to make you
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happy
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and yet in the west that is what we're
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actually taught we should be doing
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and unfortunately what happens is that
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really sets us up for a lot of
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disappointment and so one of the things
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that relationship champions are really
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good at is that they have an
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understanding or they develop an
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understanding that relationships are
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about more than our own happiness
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and so basically what happens is we have
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this idea that we choose the people that
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we fall in love with and it's completely
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false
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because what basically happens is
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attraction chemistry is driven by the
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youngest portion of the brain what we
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call the baby brain
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and so basically what happens is when
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we're born we're incredibly helpless and
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credibly dependent so if we're alone we
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can die if we're cold we can die for wet
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we can die if we're hungry we can die
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pretty much anything can kill us
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okay
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and so in order to survive we need
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particular people to invest a lot of
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time and effort and energy into making
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um and taking care of us and nurturing
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us and um and helping us survive and so
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our whole brain is wide incredibly open
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to respond to the particular people who
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take care of of us
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so for instance my russian is terrible
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because i didn't need russian in order
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to bond with my parents
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and so this what happens is over the
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first couple of years of life we learn
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what love and safety and connection
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looks like and tastes like and smells
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like and feels like
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from the particular people who take care
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of us
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and if we survive to the age of two the
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brain goes through a really big neural
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prune and basically what it does is it
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locks in
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the that familiar image that that sense
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of of of this is what love is like and
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uh and so what has happened is we have
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now fused the idea of love and security
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connection and security are fused
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together
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and so
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and then at that point in time the brain
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then starts a new stage of development
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which so we move from the baby brain up
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into the child brain but basically at
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that point in time that becomes our
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uh the basis for our lifelong model for
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love and safety and security and for
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what is familiar from the family
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and so what happens is when we go
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through adolescence the hormone wash
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that happens there for most of us takes
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that familiar model sexualizes it and
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turns it outward so we are now instead
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of you know young kids if something's
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going wrong if they're looking for
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security and stuff they're going to look
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towards their family when we go through
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adolescence we suddenly become a lot
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more interested in our peers and we we
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start looking for someone who who kind
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of meets that familiar model
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and because this is in the baby brain
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this is uh related to our body it's
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related to reading their body it's
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familiar uh sounds uh familiar smells
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and and it's pretty remarkable how this
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brain works but we can you know for
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instance the child the person who's
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grown up in in a family with an
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alcoholic
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obviously their adult brain is not
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thinking boy i should go and find
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another alcoholic to be in a
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relationship with because that would be
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awesome but their baby brain is saying
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hey i survived the first couple of years
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with that that's familiar i need someone
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who meets that pattern so we're in a bar
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we see someone across you know a crowded
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bar
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and um and by the good place to pick up
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an alcoholic and so but we we can pick
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them out in a room and so there will be
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something about that person that just
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feels amazing and exciting and and um
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and the brain at that point in time
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starts producing this phenylethylamine
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so what that tends to mean is
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we become uh interested in that person
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and particularly if there's a reciprocal
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match they become interested in us and
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so then we become obsessed with making
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that person happy because what happens
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to that person impacts us at a very
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visceral level
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so if someone strokes you on the arm
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that that feels nice
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okay if you're in the honeymoon stage
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it's like oh my god that's amazing i'll
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drive across town i'll fly you know
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you know
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all day you know just to get to spend a
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weekend with you you know so we're
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literally addicted to that person
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and so naturally at this point in time
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because we're in
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in the baby brain this this time frame
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is eternal so it's always going to be
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like this i've found my soulmate i found
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the one that i want to be with for the
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rest of my life and so what this is
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moving us towards is the next stage of
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relationship which is the commitment and
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the commitment basically goes like this
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i am totally committed to being in a
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relationship with you where you will
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meet all of my needs and make me happy
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for the rest of my life which sounds
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incredibly selfish but because we're in
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a symbiotic frame we assume if i'm happy
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you're happy if you're happy i'm happy
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so the two of them are connected
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together
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and so
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people who are not in love with um our
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partner may see stuff as like hey you
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know they drink a lot or they you know
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they they're kind of controlling oh no
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no he's just he just likes to have fun
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you know he's spontaneous or you know
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he's just really organized and
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determined so we're going to interpret
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all of their negative traits that are
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going to cause us lots of problems later
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on and i we're going to interpret them
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positively
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and so and at the point in time we get
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into the commitment phase of the
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relationship so we start living together
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we start making babies buy a house get
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married do do some of that stuff our
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brain then
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stops producing as many of the the um
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of the phenylethylamine because
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obviously 20 years down the track um we
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don't want to be in a situation where
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it's like oh god i just need to finish
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this recording so i can just go and be
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with my wife and just stare into our
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eyes all the time because that's not
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going to be super productive long term
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to help us do the things we need to do
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in life
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but we don't know that and no one tells
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us about that
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a lot especially in the west in
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cultures where there's arranged
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marriages they they say well you know
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marriage is hard work you know you've
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got to work together you've got to think
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of the family you've got to think of the
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children so they actually don't have
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this
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this very unhelpful assumption that this
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person is somehow responsible for making
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you happy all the time
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so when the west what happens is we we
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make this commitment we get together
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and then suddenly it's not working so
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well
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okay
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and this is where the child brain comes
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to the fore and so if you think about
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the child brain think about a
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four-year-old so four-year-olds main
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mission in life is to
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have fun to um
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you know just experience life you know
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they're in their body you know they're
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they're kind of you know emoting all
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over the place it's very much our
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emotional brain and they view parents as
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basically a glorified concierge deliver
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me what i want when i want it with a
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good attitude and be standing by at any
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point in time ready to give me more
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and if the concierge parent doesn't do
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what they want then what they're going
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to do to educate them is they're going
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to yell at them or they're going to sulk
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or they're going to withdraw and then
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they're going to expect that their
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parent is going to behave nicely
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and so unconsciously we bring that same
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model into our relationship
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you know so come home oh i want to have
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sex you know i have said why don't you
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want to have sex so i'm going to
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complain i'm going to nag i'm going to
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sulk i'm going to do all of that stuff
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and i'm going to expect that then you're
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going to get like super horny and want
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to have sex with me
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and so this strategy doesn't doesn't
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work particularly well
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and so this is where couples can really
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start to have a lot of conflict
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so what happens then is because we are
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struggling uh in the relationship we
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then start to get more anxious so then
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we start trying harder and at this point
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in time what we start to realize is our
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partner who in the honeymoon stage we
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tend to think is very similar to us very
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aligned to us we suddenly be like wow
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they are really quite different from us
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and so what tends to happen is when we
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fall in love with people we do tend to
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fall in love with people who have some
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similar kind of emotional experiences uh
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in their background and that's often the
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basis of the unconscious basis of the
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attraction but we also tend to fall in
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love with people who
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emotionally um also operate quite
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differently from us so for instance in
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my case i come from a family of
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engineers i.t people so we're really
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good at fixing problems kind of crap at
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dealing with emotions and so in my
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family particularly as a guy you know
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being kind of emotional wasn't something
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that worked particularly well it wasn't
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a great life strategy you know to to get
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my needs met
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so um and my partner also comes from a
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family that you know that can be quite
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task focused and not particularly you
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know emotionally switched on and um but
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she uh she's a girl so
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being emotional works better for her
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and so what will happen is when we're
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having a conflict my tendency is i'm
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going to get really sort of logical and
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rational and my wife's going to become
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more emotional
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and the more emotional she gets the more
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she starts freaking me out and so then
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what i'm going to do is think this woman
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is going crazy i need to just be more
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logical and more calm because you know
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she's going a little psycho here
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and the more logical and calm i get the
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less understood my wife feels and so she
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gets even more emotional until um and so
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then the pattern is going to tend to
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escalate
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and um
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and so what kind of happens is if this
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goes on and on for couples the tendency
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is it can then switch into a thing of
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you know oh you know you're just like
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this cold emotionless robot you don't
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care about me you don't love me you you
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know you're not in the relationship and
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um and you know and i could be in the oh
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you're just you know completely um you
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know neurotic and and you know
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emotionally crazy and and so uh and so
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the relationship will tend to get worse
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and worse
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and what this tends to do is to bring us
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to a series of crises point where we're
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basically sitting there and saying oh my
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god this this feels terrible i don't
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know what to do do here and um you know
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i can't i can't survive in the
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relationship like this
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and so the crisis point is really a
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turning point it's kind of like a
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sliding doors moment where you can move
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from uh if your primary emotion is about
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despair that you're kind of thinking oh
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my god you know i picked the wrong
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person you know she was supposed to make
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me happy this isn't working anymore i
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should just leave because you know she's
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crazy and neurotic or she's like oh he's
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terrible you know he just doesn't care
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about me he's you know just emotionally
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not available i should leave because
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he's you know just he's basically a
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narcissistic [ __ ] um then at that
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point in time you know we might withdraw
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we might
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um
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drink more go to church join rotaries
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focus all your energy on the kids and
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have affairs and ultimately we we might
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decide screw you i'm going to go and
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find someone else and then we get to run
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through the same process again
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and so
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but but the other option that's there
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that we're going to invite you into is
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is hopefully what happens at some point
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in time and for some of us um
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it can happen at the point in time that
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we're on the second or third
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relationship and we're having exactly
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the same problem and we're going hang on
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a sec the common denominator here is me
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and at this point in time what we might
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start thinking is hang on a sec this is
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not working
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maybe i'm doing something wrong
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now bear in mind four-year-olds don't
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have that thought you know if
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something's going wrong it's generally
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someone else's fault because
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four-year-old don't have a lot of power
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in their lives
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but
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if uh if we get into our adult brain and
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our adult brain is like hang on a sec
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she she didn't always used to be this
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emotional you know he did used to be
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more emotionally connected maybe maybe
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maybe we're doing something that's not
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working
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and this can take us into this really
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cool stage um challenging as well but a
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cool stage of the relationship where we
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start working on it and we start trying
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to figure out what is it that that we
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actually need and so this is a um
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a strategy um that that you know we
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sometimes we have a a moment or an
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epiphany and sometimes it can just be
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something really small so i remember the
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one time
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um
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it was a saturday morning and we were
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having a fight and i could just see this
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fight you know unfolding in front of me
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and um and it was the start of the
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weekend it was like i really didn't want
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to want to be fighting and um
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and so my uh
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i turned around my wife and i said so
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what is it that you actually want
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and i said well why don't you just make
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me a cup of tea
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which was a really brilliant request
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because i was super flooded my heart
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rate was you know well over 100 beats
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per minute and gottman's research
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basically said when your heart rate goes
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up over that
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over that amount you'll you basically
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you've drained all the blood out of the
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prefrontal cortex the thinking part of
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your brain and you've shifted it in into
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your
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core and your arms and legs to help you
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run faster and fight harder and so at
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that point in time your ability to think
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creatively and flexibly disappears
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and so you know for those of you in the
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military um who are watching this you
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know you know that during basic training
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you'll have live fire exercise in that
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because they're trying to teach you how
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to keep thinking when you're under
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stress and so some of you may be really
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good at thinking logically
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the challenge in a relationship is you
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also need to stay emotionally connected
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as well
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but what happened is when she said hey
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you know make me a cup of tea i'm like
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great because i really wanted to get
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away from her because i was i was
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feeling really anxious um i wouldn't
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have called it that but um but that was
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basically what was happening
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so i go in the kitchen i turn the jug on
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and i'm standing there but i wasn't
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going back in to talk to her well the
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kettle boils and i'm saying just take
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your time kettle you can just be the
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slowest kettle ever but what's happening
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is my heart rate is coming down i'm
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still totally confused about what's
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going on
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but
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kettle boils pour the cup of tea i
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remember you know measuring out the milk
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just to make sure that it was entirely
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correct because again this was something
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that i could control this was something
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i could do right
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i brought her in the cup of tea
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and she as i come in she smiles i don't
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know if she's smiling at me or the cup
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of tea but this is a massive improvement
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on what's happening before
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and so um
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and so she she sits down with a cup of
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tea and as she sit down she goes
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and unconsciously my brain starts to
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relax because people don't breathe like
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that when they're about to stab you in
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the heart
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so and the other thing that's working
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really well for me is i know that if she
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doesn't like cold cups of tea so in like
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15 to 20 minutes i can say hey do you
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want another cup of tea and there's an
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opportunity for me to escape the
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conversation again um because again my
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my fantasy fear is that this
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conversation is going to go on for like
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20 hours and you know it's going to be
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terrible and and that there isn't an
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escape so that little tool of using the
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cup of tea
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is something that was a really good
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working working it out tool that we
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developed in in the relationship and if
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your relationship has survived for any
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length of time you will actually have a
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series of tools and even in really kind
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of crappy relationships uh that that
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survive you will people do have some
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skills and so the
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the way your skills work that's
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fantastic and um and where they don't
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work then you're going to have
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challenges and that will be some of the
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stuff that we're going to be trying to
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help you with
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so
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what we're going to talk about today for
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the exercise is i'm i'm going to teach
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you a really cool little dialogue that
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you can do with your partner and what
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it's going to do is it's going to teach
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you
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how to help each other win
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so again this is a process that people
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tend to do fairly naturally in the
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honeymoon stage of the relationship but
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they tend to stop doing it particularly
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once they get into the power struggle
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but if you want to be really successful
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you need to remember that you don't know
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what it is that your partner wants your
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partner is really weird really strange
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very different from you but part of what
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makes them interesting so if you want to
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have a really good relationship you need
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to um to start learning how to be with
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them in a in a way and what it is that
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you're doing that is really powerful and
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effective for them so we'll talk about
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that in the next exercise
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[Music]
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you